Leaf Cancer for Dummies (that's me dummy, not you), and FAQ

Whoa. SH*& just got real. I met my Oncologist yesterday, Dr. Dan Schneider. First question on your list (I know, priorities):

Q: Is your cancer doctor a hottie?

A: YES. this is very important. Since Dr. Dan and I are going to be spending a lot of time together this is critical for optimal cancer recovery. Dr. Dan is a punk (I am making assumptions based on his awesome hairstyle), and rescues cats with bladder issues. He has an outstanding sense of humor, and I immediately trusted him. Plus, he rescues cats. We are going to get along just fine.

Q: Why do you need a cancer doctor if everything is going to be fine?

A: Oh, sweet naive people. No, unfortunately, I have real cancer. I was going with "sort of cancer", or "Cancer lite", but unfortunately the melanoma terrorist brigade (hereafter referred to as MTB) has moved out of my leg to colonize my lymph nodes. Dr. Dan used the phrase "riddled with cancer". AWESOME.

Q: Are you getting radiation?

A: Nope. too late for that now. The MTB has moved operations, and are now infiltrating my lymphatic system.

Q: What about those Lymph nodes?

A: I am waiting to hear back from surgery, and I will be scheduling an appointment to get them taken out of my right leg/groin area. Then I get to wear a super sexy compression stocking for the rest of my life to prevent Lymphodema. Mine will be pirate themed. I am thinking of starting a line of Cancer-wear, with pirates and superhero themes.

Q: That's it, then, right?

A: Um, no. I have to wait until my leg heals, and then I start interferon treatment. It's like Chemo, but I probably get to keep my hair, which will make my sister the hairstylist very happy. (side note- Becky has been working on my hair for 2 years. She now refers to it as "our hair" and was more upset then I was at my diagnosis, not for the risk of death but for the loss of "our hair".)

Q: Interferon?

A: Yes. I was given a lot of helpful literature such as "So you have Cancer", "Cancer and You", and "OMG I have fucking Cancer!" by the American Cancer Society. I have not read any of it. I am sure it is well written and stimulating. Will I still have to get the treatment? Yes. Therefore not reading the information is as helpful as reading it, with the added bonus that I don't get worried about anything I can't control.

As far as I understand it, I will start the treatment as soon as my leg heals, about 4 weeks post surgery. I heal fast, so I will be starting my blitz campaign to make them let me in early. (Watch this blog for the dial in number where YOU can call Helath Partners and ask them to get my treatment started! like  telethon, but with more prank phonecalling).

MTB never sleeps and we must exercise TOTAL VIGILENCE!!! (laugh if you get the Harry Potter reference). The interferon will involve me camping out at Health Partners Riverside 2nd floor Cancer Center (free coffee and tea) for 5 days a week, 4-6 weeks. I am told that the treatments will last about 20 minutes each. I will see Dr. Dan on Mondays (yeah!!!) and then get hooked up to deliver MTB killing medicine to infected areas via an IV.

Q" IV? Turns out (according to Nurse Kerri, who is cute as a bug, and should know) that my veins SUCK. This is disappointing for 2 reasons, I wasted my life by not doing drugs when I was younger, and I will have an attractive "central line" attached to me to hook the drugs into (interferon, not heroin).

Q: What should we expect Kelley to be like on interferon?

A: Bwaa haa haa haa (insert evil laugh here). The effects are cumulative, and a lot like Chemo. I will be tired, achy, and experience flu-like symptoms. I should be OK for the first 2-3 weeks, but expect my ass to be kicked the last week or so, and then a few weeks afterwards. I will work as long as I can, and then not work (as long as I can).

Q: Mood Swings?

A: What the Fuck!?! Bite me! Go to hell!  Oh, like real mood swings? Yeah maybe. So here is a super fun fact about Interferon. They do not like to give it to people with depression because it causes them to want to kill themselves. Seriously. This is for reals. I have serious, persistant depression, but have had it since I was 14. It's nothing new. Dr. Dan made me talk him into letting me have the Interferon, and I had to PROMISE not to kill myself. So I might be even MORE cheerless then my usual self, and it may be hard to get me to poke my head out of the door, or answer e-mails. Eryc will be available for updates, or to arrange play dates when he can no longer stand my cranky, whiny ass. But I will NOT kill myself because I promised Dr. Dan so he'd let me have interferon.

Q: How long until you are better?

A: Sigh. After the 4-6 week course of daily interferon, I get to inject myself three times a week for a whole YEAR. The thing about MTB is that they are going to keep coming. If I can keep them on the defense for over a year, I have a great chance of recovery. The interferon will most likely not kill me. I have a whole list of side effects to look forward to, but I am not reading them, because then I will get them all, or at least psychosomatically get them all.

Q: Any good news?

A: Well, yes! I got to complete my annual health assessment during open enrollment, and agreed to have a health coach call me:

"How can we start you on an exercise plan?"
"Go to Hell, I have Cancer!"

That WILL be both fun, and entertaining.

I also got to get Botox shots in my head (persistant migraine), but my forehead will be smooth and wrinkle-free!

They do not want me to lose weight, so my rubenesque figure will be maintained in the next few weeks by eating whatever I want, whenever I want it. Yeah!

Q: How are you doing, really? :( sad faces

A: Honestly? I spent one day curled up in my bed in the fetal position, but I am over it now. Self pity is both useless and boring. Right now I am feeling OK, and we will just go 1 day at a time. More soon!