The most important thing to happen this week is that I am getting an A+ in chemo-therapy. It's not enough that I am doing well, in order to be appropriately motivated I require a letter grade showing that I am annihilating both cancer, and the other cancer patients that on some level I feel like am competing against. My doctor seemed somewhat taken aback when I asked for an objective letter grade, and tried to explain that it's not a competition.
Yeah right. Does he know me at ALL?!? Once he told me I was getting an "A" we could get back to a constructive conversation. A grade of "A" (plus) means that I am tolerating the interferon really well, my liver is hardly bothered with it, and I am experiencing minimal side effects.
Any cool new side effects this week? YES!!! I can belch like an Ogre! I have never been a powerful belcher before, and it's a skill I have often admired in others. this week I have developed insane heartburn in concert with FABULOUS extra loud belching abilities. so Cool. I have to remember that not everyone (Co-workers, supermarket patrons, Judges) are as thrilled as I am with my new gift. I get to take Prilosec to get rid of the heartburn, but luckily it is minimally effective against gas. HAHAHAHAHA.
Today's cancer incident: I have a button that I wear on my coat that says "Cancer sucks". I got it when my mom was sick, and since I still have it, I recycled it. today as I was heading into my office a homeless guy asked if I had a buck. I said sure, and reached into my bag to give him a dollar. as I was handing it to him he noticed my button and said "oh man, do you have cancer?" I said yeah, here's your dollar. Then the homeless guy starts arguing with me about not taking my money because I have cancer and apparently when you are a homeless guy you don't take money from people with cancer? what? TAKE MY DAMN DOLLAR! Homeless guy was very upset and said I was too young to die. so here I am comforting this homeless guy on the corner across from my office and trying to explain that I am not going to die, and he should really take my dollar. He just shook his head and wandered up the street sniffling to himself. what the hell? My dollar does not have cancer cooties.
Some things I am really tired of: Gatorade. Neon colored beverages with metallic aftertastes, and electrolytes are no longer on my menu. Fruit juice still tastes like juice. I have an appetite, but there is a funny metallic taste in my mouth that doesn't play well with others, so I am becoming more picky, even though I still get hungry. Since I have gained 5 pounds, no one (but me) is concerned about what I am eating.
Yesterday I forgot to eat lunch, so on the way to chemo I stopped for the world's most perfect cancer food, quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. Granted McD may be known to CAUSE cancer, but if you already have it, then what the hell. Think about it- Salt, calories, dairy, protein, it tastes exactly like it's supposed to, and goes down in big chunks. The nurses told me that most people don't bring fast food to chemo, but hey, it hit the spot. the other chemo patients think I am a weirdo anyway, I can't imagine why...
OK Catketeers, remember to look at your watches at 3:30 and yell FUCK Cancer! M-F central standard time. And if you are my sister, do not call me between 3:30-5:00 PM and ask what I am doing. No, I am not available, no I can't talk, yes, I am still getting chemo, no I am not mad at you.
And today marks the halfway done point! Hooray!
