People who know me KNOW that I am not religious (no I don't mind if you pray for me), and when provoked into social nicety, I will string together vague words such as "peaceful inspiration to you and your loved ones at this (insert event here) time". I get completely baffled by what I should write inside cards. I know what other people write (and I steal their ideas), but honesty suits me better. Besides, my tendencies towards sarcasm make me an easy target for people wanting to point out someone insincere. Thus you will see cards from me with the following poetry:
"sorry your dog died", or my favorite "being sick really sucks".
People are sending ME cards, which is certainly appropriate, and I really appreciate, but HOW DO THEY FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY? This is educational to say the least. I have learned 2 important things:
1) people are really nice, basically
2) human beings need to DO something when faced with "friend has cancer". wow, some of you are really good at this! I actually FEEL better.
I feel horrible telling people because I know I am going to inflict pain on friends and acquaintances (but not strangers because it is really satisfying to tell the snotty barrista who couldn't bother to ask if you want whipped cream "Can you put some whip on that? I have cancer!"). Of course it isn't a surprise to ME anymore, I have had weeks to deal. My internal dialogue on what to disclose to people:
"So don't tell people." This is an attractive choice, and I don't really run around and tell eveyone I have cancer, however, then things get awkward when subjects like the future come up. "yeah, sorry, I am not planning anything in December, as I will be doing chemo then- you know chemo! hahaha hmmmmmm" Since I have known for a long time, and interact with so many people, it gets weird as to who knows and who doesn't.
"You are not that interesting" This is me reminding myself that not everyone needs, wants, or cares to know about my personal problems...followed immediately by "HELL yeah you can tell people you have cancer! You are freaking hilarious!" - this last bit seems to coincide with morning coffee, and/or burst of sugar. Why I think my funniness is related to telling people about cancer I haven't connected yet.
"Tell them it's sort-of cancer!" This is when I down-play it by saying yeah, it's cancer, but it's not you know, CANCER CANCER. Then I get drawn into conversations about what kind of cancer it really is, how did I find it, is my doctor cute, and my favorite "My cousin's sister's uncle's friend ate nothing but Kale for six weeks and her cancer disappeared!"Um, yeah. Cause Kale totally SUCKS. This option clearly has risks.
After going through all the options (in my head, usually while staring blankly at the person) I generally opt for, "yeah, I'm good, got a little cancer going on." This allows my conversant to look at me closely to make sure I am not joking, cause it's not funny to tell people you have cancer if you don't really (DUH). And then we can have a conversation that doesn't end in me holding them awkwardly (because if you KNOW me you know I am not a hugger) and giving out the names of a good support group for them.
Meanwhile, since I do have CANCER CANCER, I am reappropriating the word "inspiration". This wonderful word seems to have migrated to a specific part of the religious public, and is often found with other words I will get around to reclaiming such as "family" and "values". Inspiration, from the Latin meaning things you think are cool and jazz you up, is a great way to imagine my body fighting off the tiny terrorist squad of melanomas. Squamous little fuckers. some things that inspire me:
Cats. Well duh.
Books. I have the attention span of a gnat, but I am currently reading the latest books in the #1 Ladies Detective series, alternating with Stephanie Plum the bounty hunter. Those ladies kick some serious ass.
Food. Thanks for all the treats, but pace yourselves people. I LOVE you, but you can't all feed me, and quite frankly I am wearing out the fat pants even as we speak.
Music. My internal soundtrack today features the song stylings of Pat Benatar singing "invincible".
Isn't this inspiring? "We can't afford to be innocent. Stand up and Face the enemy. Its a do or die situation, we will be INVINCIBLE!" Wow, that sounded a lot more inspiring when it first came out- hahahahaha now it's stuck in your head, too! It's like musical cancer!
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